GNASHING MY TEETH

i don't think they allow posts as large as the one i would need to write. and there is so much i do not even know where to really start .

I just hate that my family i.e. mother, brother, sister are being so (how do i put it without sounding mean?) hmmm they are being just crappy and they act like they are not doing anything and then when i say that hurts they go huh? then for those that know my daughter shariden well i just .i just wanna pull my hair out and stab myself in the leg seriously i know it sounds stupid but i am so tired and my family is just so stressed right now to the core .it just does not seem like we have any room for laughter any more . everything is just AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and then some , i wanna yell and scream and rant and throw a fit and everyone says oh pray about it or it will get better ARE YOU SERIOUS ??? come live my life for 20 minutes and then tell me to my face the same things. I am just PISSED OFF yes i said it I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i wanna be. I wanna feel this right now. but i am so tired of everything right now too. my family is such a pain and they don't care that they hurt me they just don't. they give excuses for it IF I WERE TO DO IT man they would throw the book at me. and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH it makes me MAD . but they would say "well beth is just being you know beth" or "we did not know " or " I was tired " or my favorite " we do not live near you"


wow i am mad. it is JUST NOT FAIR and i know that sounds so weak , i know it is because things are not fair they are Just .

everything just seems so off balance and yes i know how to go about working things out.well guess what ? i don't wanna . i wanna be mad and sulky like a two year old who did not get the cookie. i wanna be so sad that my heart breaks with every beat . i wanna crawl into that dark center and gnaw away at my leg till i break free.

and there is that part of me that holds on so tight to that feeling i get when i stop and breath , that soft warm fuzzy builds deep pockets of tender mercies in my soul and i feel HIM wrapping His arms around me holding me tight , whispering in heart the truths of His love.

and then like a F100 tornado my soul is blasted apart with deep burning harsh hate that eats at me with vengeance and filth .

so yes i am MAD and i am SAD and i am just so TIRED and ALONE